Saying NO... Is Getting Easier

I have struggled for sooo long, trying to be everything to everyone else and neglecting my own needs and my wants. But, it’s my fault!!! I say Yes.... all the time. Always being the willing participant can be draining. Yet, I’m always the one feeling it. I never express how I feel about things. I push back things on my ever growing to do list and adjust my plans for the sake of others. Who’s doing the same for me? No one because I am the go to person of the family. I don't like the position because everyone depends on me for everything. I am always the one being asked such demands. Individuals can make every excuse in the world to give but its second nature for me to say yes. They take and take from me but I’m the one at a loss. I have things going on in my life that are taxing but I don't allow it to affect my responsibilities. I believed for a very long time that I was doing the right thing because I was putting others before myself. I forgot to compute the common sense God gave me. He never wanted me to be used but I put myself out there. I attracted that into my life. Always wanting to make sure everyone was taken care of and happy. I neglected my own happiness in the process. Constantly, giving myself to others I had nothing for myself. I got trapped in the happiness of others so much I couldn't tell you about my own. Too busy trying to create it for someone else. It was long overdue but today I crashed into a brick wall. I wish it would have happened sooner but I won't get into that. My beautiful niece turned 1 Aug. 7th. I was very excited to share in the celebration of her 1st birthday. It was very important for me to be there. Being that I am the Aunt, Godmother, and Big sister to the mother there were several responsibilities I had and wanted to accomplish. Of course, being the planner that I am, MY project was completed and ready ahead of time. I wish it ended there but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. One of my other family members (in their selfishness/ laziness) dropped the ball on their responsibilities and good old Sanenyah had to be there to catch it. I ended up having to cook all the food they promised to make in addition to running the errands they volunteered for. I even got stuck coordinating the rides for several others out to the party in Ruskin… I got so caught up in handling everyone else’s stuff I couldn't focus on what was really important. Time began to fly by so quickly and my plan of action crumbled. Even in the last hours, I was rushing to get there on time but to them it didn't matter; they knew I would just fuss and that would be the end of it. During the entire long trip to Ruskin; I was steaming. The party was from 11 to 1pm. We barely made it on the highway by the time the dashboard clicked 12:00pm. I’m thinking about everything I could tell my sister about how it wasn’t my fault. But.. it was! I began to realize my faults more and more in this particular situation. I realized it was okay. It’s perfectly fine to tell someone No. I have to learn not to focus on their disappointment but focus on what I’m capable of doing. No need to lie or make excuses, just be honest. Saying yes cost me time and memories I can't get back. But what really hurt was seeing my little sister's face when I walked in the building. She tried her best to smile and play it off but I could see the deep disappointment and hurt in her eyes. She needed me to be there and I wasn’t. To everyone else it may have just seemed like an ordinary birthday but it was more than that to us. My sister and I are very close, so close that we share the same birthday. We get a kick out of just being in the same room with one another. As much as she wanted me to be there to share that moment…I wasn’t. When I got there the party was over. Her husband and friends were pulling down decorations and packing up. I was horrified. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Instead I looked into my sister’s face; which was hard to do and tell her the truth. I made her a promise that I will no longer allow myself to get caught up in anyone else’s responsibilities. It’s no longer my job or ever was my responsibility to make sure their tasks were taken care of. For me I was focused on the project failing because of someone else not holding up to their end of the bargain. I have to learn to pray for the success of the outcome and do my best in all that I am responsible for. It’s God’s job to work it all out… not mine. Once I grasp that concept; saying No will become easier